Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
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I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”