I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it