The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
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holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
first you must answer his riddles
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I wish this was real life…