I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
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idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
OKAY DAD
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
If you breakdance you buy dance.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.