“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
We’re all getting idioter.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
mariah carrie
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
yeah no that’s fair
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”