Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.