Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
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It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch