I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
You Might Also Like
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Seek kebab; not attention
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Always…
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Just a reminder, folks:
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
The smoothest fall of all time
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.