dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Breaking news:
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
This dude got his own movie?
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.