Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday