Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
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There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
become ungovernable
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.