After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.