Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.