Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
is the plural of judas judasses or judi