ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
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*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Called it