Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”