I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
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I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family