I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up