[on my way back to the posting caves]
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*