I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My daily affirmation
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.