I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
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Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Seek kebab; not attention
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.