Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
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I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Who’s your best friend?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY