Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
You Might Also Like
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Favourite diary entry ever
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?