By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)