My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
You Might Also Like
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.