The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
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sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Saturday
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face