If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Pot warmers of the day.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.