Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
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[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there