I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.