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One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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