Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.