If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
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When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”