WTF
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My five year plan is a meteorite
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
For those that worship cheese..
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”