Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
absolute chaos
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!