[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
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Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
<- sleeps well with others
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*