All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
You Might Also Like
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Mornin
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee