I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
You Might Also Like
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.