Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
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Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.