Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
This squirrel eats better than I do
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
The Backseat Boys
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*