[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
You Might Also Like
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled