This is so me 馃槀馃槀
You Might Also Like
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Haven鈥檛 had a conversation like this in months
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it鈥檚 called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Well, I鈥檝e put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I鈥檒l be right back.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there