Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
This has made my week.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.