Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
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ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
This one’s “Alex”.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
#winning
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.