>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
You Might Also Like
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Happy birthday to all the women
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
happy valentine’s day to me
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow