Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
You Might Also Like
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
watergate? u mean a dam??
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Ah yes. The three genders
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this