dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]