ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
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oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Netflix and you sit over there.