Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles