just pretend nothing happened
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*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.