I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.